We met. We fell in love. We married. We had a baby girl. We had another baby girl. Story short ... this is where we are.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Authority Privilege


Someone gave me a copy of White Privilege by Peggy McIntosh and it really got me thinking.  It’s about the unspoken privileges that white people take for granted.  Now, it is a bit outdated and the demographic is different, but it made me think alot.  Perhaps not the intent of the paper, but this is where it lead me.  I shall call it … hmmm.  Authority Privilege?

Yes.  I have heard many times that it is a white, male dominated world.  The signs around me tell me that it’s probably true, but definitely changing.  Traditionally, when you hear “doctor” you think white male.  When you hear “nurse”, you think white female. However, being a female, I can’t say I’ve felt oppressed by males and my pasty, British skin is a far cry from “black”.  For this reason, I can’t say that I can understand a coloured person’s experience on any level.  Perhaps this is ignorant or how I’ve been conditioned to think as a privileged, white person.  I have very few people of colour in my immediate life and it’s not something I really think about … but that does not mean on any level that the problem does not exist.    For me, it’s not an issue.  That’s my point and I think the point of this paper.  If it’s not an issue for me, then I am guilty of being ignorant to a very prevalent problem.  The concern for me is that one man’s situation is not the same as another’s.  I have seen this many times with the people around me.  What is burdened on someone’s heart is not necessarily burdened on another’s.  There are so many legitimate “causes” to be an advocate for that one has to pick what leans on their heart and do their best to be supportive in another man’s cause.   
I understand all too well what she is saying in this paper, but I must say right off that it is no more my friend’s fault for being born without a disability than it is my fault for being born white.  One does not naturally understand something that has not been their own experience.  For this reason, it is so important to educate each other because I can guarantee that every person who has read this article has experienced suppression on some level … intended or not.   This article taught me about a coloured person’s experience and for that I am grateful and hope to be more sensitive in the future.

Let’s be honest here.   When we meet someone for the first time, our brains are in overload.  There is a lot of subconscious judgement that takes place.  I believe dominance is established within 5 minutes of meeting someone.  I once met a lady who was so threatened by me.  She was studying to be a social worker and because I already had a degree and was working on my masters, she pushed and pushed me into a corner until I admitted to her that her degree would get her farther.  Dominance.   I guess she needed to feel that between us.  I thought it was silly.  I understand now how it feels to be in minority and to feel these unspoken social hierarchies.  I don’t for one minute think that anyone looks at someone in a wheel chair and says or even believes that they are better.  No.  That would be socially unacceptable.  But it’s there.   I did an experiment a few months ago and asked people to be real about the following question, “what do you think when you see someone with a disability or someone who looks different?”  I so appreciated the honesty.  The answers varied from, “I feel more comfortable about my own flaws” to “I’m just glad it’s not me”.  I don’t feel “judged” by people for having a disability and I certainly don't judge others with a disabilty, but I do feel the hierarchy.  When I sit down to talk with someone stronger than me, more educated than me, prettier than me or more outgoing than me, I automatically take the lower position on the totem pole.  And you know what makes it worse?  Someone who officiously tries to help.  Yes, it’s kind and often necessary, but it no less makes the gap of dominance bigger.  You are undoubtedly the winner.  I can’t top that.  Sure, I can try by impressing you with my strength of character, but in my mind, you win.  This thinking is probably wrong, but digress with me.  You have a doctor and a patient.  A doctor is a servant to the people around them, but it is definitely a dominant role.  Even nurses respect the authority of the doctor.  This is just the hierarchy of life.  I see it within the medical field all the time … from the specialists down to the receptionists.  When someone is helping me dress or meeting a need, I can assume that I will be treated with respect, but the person of authority and the person of vulnerability have been assigned very clear roles.

My experience lies in the area of physical disability.  Someone else’s experience might have more severity or lie in a completely different area.  Like someone of colour living in a white man’s world, there are conditions that someone with a disability or illness cannot count on living in an able bodied world.  Again, I point out that I do not blame any able bodied person, but these are things that I have seen my friends, family, acquaintances and strangers take for granted.  Of course, none of these things are a reason for anyone in a minority to have an unfulfilled life.

Being able to get out of a booth or chair at a restaurant

Having a washroom available that they can use

Purchasing items on the bottom shelf at a grocery store         

Wearing shoes properly

Not being starred at … unless their skirt is tucked into their underwear.

Generally assuming that a compliment is merited and not awarded because the standard is lower.

Falling calls for a normal response instead of looks that suggest a poem be written about the tragedy that is their life.

Being able to try clothes on in a change room

The positive feelings of self worth that come from physically helping others.

Choosing  a career based on desire, education and skills.

Choosing recreation based on desire and means.

 
What I need to express is that we should all be servants to each other.  Coloured, white, male, female, able-bodied, or not.  People in places of authority, may it be as a helping friend or a position in society; we all need to be aware of how the other person feels.   This role can change.  In some situations, I feel like the person who is dominant and I too have to be aware of what “rights” that brings to the relationship.  We all have something to bring to the table.  Each of us with our own unique experiences. My message is not so much to the “white” person.  My message is for anyone who has a position of authority whether or not they believe that they are in that position .. earned or unearned.  Parents, doctors, therapists, social workers, teachers, police, bosses, people with wealth, good friends or members of society.  When someone needs you on any level, they are allowing you into a place of vulnerability and there is an unspoken hierarchy.  What I believe to be a place of privilege.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  I think it’s something that should be protected.

Thank you to the people who have helped me and my family and who have always treated us with respect.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Kay, Katie, Katelyn




 
Kay,

I write this for you and I write this for me.  It’s been an interesting year.  We’ve asked a lot of you.  I know you don’t like to learn new things or have things changed on you, but we do it for you.  It’s amazing how much you grow when you start to understand new things.  I can’t believe how much you have grown over this past year.  I’ve seen you go from hardly acknowledging us to looking right in our eyes and saying, “Mama and Dada”.  Please know, that whatever this life offers you, you are an amazing person with the potential to do anything.  Never let anyone tell you less.  You are who God wanted you to be.  Your name means “pure and consecrated to God”.  You are the very best there is.  I sat by your crib last night as you were getting sleepy.  I poured my heart out to you.  I have no idea if you understood a word I was saying, but the way you sat up and listened made me feel so loved.  You warmed my heart as you said, “nite nite nite” and lay down.  I loved hearing the little snores that followed.  You did that.  You made me feel loved.  I hope we can make you feel just as loved. 

~Mama