I married a lot of men

I was telling Matthew the other day that I kind of feel like I married my best girl friend, but also like the best boyfriend ever.  I don't think he liked that analogy very much.  My point was that he fills so many parts of me.  I talk to him about movies and books.  We lay in bed giggling about funny stories.  Okay, I giggle ... he let's  out a manly laugh.  We parent together.  We manage our home together.  Like most marriages, we have a multi-facetted relationship.  It's like making out with your BFF, your garbage man, your chauffeur, your kid's teacher, your banker, your doctor, your therapist and your local movie critic.  He wears a lot of shoes.

 

 

 

Tomorrow marks 9 years.  Instead of doing my annual "cheese-fest" of love, I thought I would write about some things that people don't know.  This is my challenge. I guess I'm kind of curious to know what we've managed to keep a secret over the years.  Which ones did you know?  Be truthful.  I want to win fairly.

 

Did you know?

 

1)  Matthew broke his toe on our honeymoon.

2) Our next child was going to be named Milena (Mila) Hope ... yes, it was going to be a girl.

3) We considered eloping, but not telling anyone and continuing with the wedding for show. 

4) When Matthew proposed, he was so nervous he was wearing his friend's shoes instead of his own.

5)  For the first week of our marriage we had to use a single mattress while we waited for our new one.  I fell off and "broke" my ear on a water bottle.

6) Apart from the above suit, Matthew has not purchased an article of clothing for himself since we've been engaged.

7) When Matthew told me he loved me for the first time I was so happy that I forget to say it back.

8) I almost dumped Matthew when he gave me flowers for the first time because it freaked me out so much.

9) I got Matthew to do the hula with me when we were dating.

10) We got in trouble by a cop for kissing in a school parking lot late at night.

11)  Tee was supposed to be Kathryn, but I changed it even though it was Matthew's turn to pick. 

12)  I didn't know Matthew was present for the birth of our second child.  I asked him where he was after and he told me he was right beside my head the entire time.

13) I can't squeeze a pimple for the life of me.  Matthew laughs while I gag with such intensity.

14) We totally missed the fireworks at our wedding rehearsal. 

15) We weren't legally married for the first year of our marriage due to a mistake on the forms that were returned months later.

16) Years before we dated, Matthew and I sang a duet together.  At the time, he thought it was a good story to share how you met your wife one day.  I thought he was a geek.

17) Matthew realized he was in love with me after he threw me in a pool and thought I would be mad enough to break up with him.

18) My wedding band used to say forever, but now says fo ever after being resized.

19) My friend hung a thong on Matthew's rear view mirror.  It was actually mine she used, but I was so embarrassed that I made her write her name on it.

20) The reason our wedding was held up was because Matthew forgot to shave and his sister sent him in before we started.

Happy Anniversary my Love.

More infamous quotes from my little ladies

I know I only publish this at Christmas, but it's only March and my page is already full ....

In dramatic queue, “Mom, I’m glad you’re not languishing.” … ah crap.  My 6 year old has a bigger vocab than me.  Just give mommy a second.  I need to look at something on my phone.

 “I piss you! I piss you!” …  yes Kay, we’ll all “piss” Daddy when he’s at work.

 “You know the pimple Daddy put on me when I was in your tummy?” … you mean your birthmark? …

 “Mom! Mom! Mom!  Can my bum have some fresh air?” ….ummmm.  What do you plan on doing with your bum?

 “You are so pitiful to me! … can’t you see!” … Aww Kay, I’ll take it.  I would have preferred the original words to the song, but we are all a little pitiful sometimes, aren’t we?

 After discovering my very broken guitar and strumming it for the first time, in sheer awe of herself, “I don’t know how I can make this thing sound so good!  I better clean this baby up.”  … You give it a try my dear, but I wouldn’t drop out of school just yet.

 “I wish I had a magician to make all my dreams come true … like a clean house and a pet.” … I’ll show you a magic trick … you go put your toys away and I bet your room gets clean.

 Upon seeing her mass produced art in the recycling bin, “Mom, how would you feel if someone threw your art in the garbage?” … I have a funny feeling I’m not going to win this one.

 “Tust and staburries” … wait … are you asking for toast and strawberries?  Go Kay!!  I think I’d give you a horse if you actually asked for it.

 "You and Daddy are kissing bbfs.  Why don’t I have a kissing bff?”… I don’t know how to answer that question.  Umm… because you will explode if you kiss a boy before you are 30. Excellent parenting skills, eh?

 After our van was broken into, I was driving JJ and her bbf, “OH!  They didn’t take the plastic hair band because it was hiding under the seat!” … phew, at least we know it wasn’t those hairband bandits that have been terrorizing Cambridge.

JJ, did you write me a note on a maxi pad?  … “Yes, it says you have a nice butt.”  … no comment.

 

Hope

Gather around sweet babies.  Mama has a story.

Why is hindsight 20/20?  Seriously ... if I could put as much clarity into my  perception of the future, life would be as lovely as putting on a new pair of glasses for the first time.  I want 20/20 for the future.  Now guys, that's just not going to happen.

I wrote about hope over the past year and I thought it was time to put my money where my mouth is.  It wasn't a lot of money .... just a couple of bucks.  But here it is.

I worry.  From talking to a lot of you, I think I can safely assume that I am not the only one. I worry about Kay running off.  I worry about falling.  I worry about how our schedules will work out.  I worry about losing my license.  I worry about whether or not the meat I had for lunch was bad.

Now, this is when friends come in handy.  I have had the wondeful opportunity to put this into practice this year and with the help of a friend, I have learned that life is going to pass me by if I don't give up the worries and start embracing each day.  When Matthew went back to work I frantically started calling around.  How will I get Kay ready in the morning?  How will I get her off the bus?  What if she has episodes?  If you remember, daily grooming has been somewhat of a nightmere for us.  It's like walking on ice each morning.  It feels like the military should be called in each time we tried to brush her teeth.  Grooming is just painful for her and consequently for the rest of us... perhaps the whole neighbourhood.  What was I to do?  She is stronger than me now with her little baby six pack.

After a few days of calling around and getting nowhere, I tried another option .... prayer.  No, it wasn't really "prayer", it was more of a conscience decision to have hope that God would work things out.  I had tried and I was filled with fear and dread.  I got a plan together and prepared for the best ... or the worst ... ya, it switched back and forth between the two.

I decided that routine and consistancy would be the best.  We had gotten a cd from her teacher that was a recording of her and her classmates during "music and movement" class.  It was an adorable cd that included all her classmates names and voices.  The first time I played it, she ran to the couch and sat like a lady for "circle time".  Score one!

The next thing we needed was a schedule ... for this we needed time.  I started getting her ready earlier so that the mommy "quick quick as a bunny" mode wouldn't cause stress for anyone.  Now, I can't breath the wrong way or speak too loudly, but you know what?  The morning time with my girls is now my favorite time of day.  We take our time.  We sing and Kay does her morning yoga.  I fall in love with her each morning.  Instead of flailing on the ground as her prison guard tortured her by putting mittens on, she brings me her mittens and says, "mitttins".  Awww.  Little bunny.

I'm certainly not naive enough to think that things will always turn out perfectly.  My point is this; in this situation, the worrying was a complete waste of time... pointless and not helpful.  I take from this experience that a lot of situations in life require two things ... action and hope.  You do what you can and you do it the best that you can.  Farther than that, you just gotta hope.  What is hope?  " Hope is the state which promotes the belief in an outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life" (Wikipedia).  To me, hope is the sense of peace I feel when I practice the faith that God is going to take care of us.

I loooooove love nominations

Oh how I love thee.  Let me count the ways .... gag gag.  Get a room already.

 

 

 

I really do love love.  I'm a sucker for things like Valentine's day.  Matthew on the other hand ... he says he likes to show his love every day.  I think that is his romantic way of saying he just plain forgot. He totally forgot our first anniversary.  Before you say, "awwww", I've learned over the years that Matthew is more random than that.  I may not find a bouquet of red roses on the table on valentine's day, but on a random Tuesday, I may go to bed and find chocolate under my pillow or find myself on a horse drawn carriage the day after Christmas.  I have been catching on ... sometimes he'll look at me and I'll run to look under my pillow, only to find the drool stain left from the night before.

I was talking to someone awhile ago about their upcoming "big" anniversary.  Pretty much longer than I've been alive.  They were making exciting plans and I can't help but think, "way to go!".   Successful marriages are certainly something to celebrate.  Not only just "making it work", but seeing couples still in love after 30 years.  Love comes in so many different packages.  We love our mommies and daddies.  We love our friends. We love our chocolate covered almonds.  And no one can describe the love you feel for your babies.  Then there is that heart pounding, hands sweating, I-sound-like-an-idiot kind of love.  Oh ... but how fast that turns into, did-you-get-the-garbage-out-in-time? kind of love.

Above our bed, we have three signs that say, "faith, hope and love" ... well, since the time Kay was jumping on the bed and smashed into the wall it says, "faith, love and hope" ... I totally need to switch that back.  Anyways, I digress.  valentine's may be a commercial holiday, but what a wonderful time to check out my relationships.  Do I carry faith? hope? love?  I hope so. Oh look, I guess I do have hope :)

This valentine's Day, you are cordially invited to nominate someone to be hit by cupid's arrow.  Now as I was explaining to JJ this morning, cupid will not actually hit you with an arrow.  She was very concerned about getting hit and getting all crazy at school.  I think we might be related.  I want to hear about someone in your life that has the gift of giving the love.  Nominate your sweetheart, your lovely, your friend, your kid, your co-worker.  Tell me why they deserve to be hit by cupid's arrow.  Matthew and I will read through them and pick a winner.

Please do share and tell your friends. Just click on comment.  Click on "comment as"and chose whatever you want ... anonymous if nothing suits you and then hit publish.  If that doesn't work, you know how to reach me.  I will announce the winner and prize on Valentine's Day.

Top quotes from the girls 2012

Top quotes from the girls 2012 - the censored version ;)

 

“R asked me to be his girlfriend.  I said yes.”  … Can I please be there when you tell your Daddy??

 

Upon showing some serious attitude towards me, “don’t worry Mom.  I’m not mad.  I’m just pretending I’m a teenager.” … Oh … bless our home.  I’m going to go through menopause when they are teenagers, aren’t I?

 

JJ, I'll give you a quarter if you pick up the goldfish crackers on Katie's floor.... "no thanks, I already have a lot of money."… I didn’t realize we lived on a gold mine.

 

"I made 4 mistakes on my project!" ... *insert dramatic tears* ... JJ, do you know how many tries it took to create the telephone? *insert apathetic tone and eye roll* "No mom ... I wasn't here. I was in your tummy" … No wonder I feel so old.

 

“Oh Mom!  You’re okay!  I thought you got caught in the lunder!  I thought I didn’t have a mom anymore, but I do!” … I’m glad I survived it, but what’s lunder?

 

“Happy.  Happy.”  Oh … Kay was happy!  I hope it lasts.

 

“When you get to heaven you’ll be able to run.  I can’t wait for you to die!” … I feel so loved.

 

“When the elf dropped off the letter from Santa, did you happen to see if he had curly or straight hair?” … I think it was straight.  “Oh good. I was hoping it would be straight.” … How much time did she spend thinking about elf carrier hair styles?

 

“Hi Jesus.” … I’m not sure if you got the memo Kay, but you can call me mom.

 

“Hi Susan.”  … Not sure if you got the memo, but you can call him Dad.

 

“I feel sick about the dinner you made two days ago.  My head feels sick about it.  My stomach feels sick about it and my heart feels sick about it  … but my heart is still healthy because it was healthy food … oh, and I still love you.” ... I didn’t realize my cooking was so traumatic. At least it didn’t affect her feelings for me.

 

“When will I have an office like Dr. B to practice medicine?” … I think for most doctors it’s sometime after first grade.

 

“I look FANTASTIC today!!” … Sure wish I had the confidence of a 6 year old.

 

While kissing in the kitchen, we hear from her bedroom, “hey Mom?  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” … Probably not honey.

 

“Mom, Aunt Janine is older than you so she is right” … but she’s wrong!!

 

What sound does a dog make Kay? *insert heavy panting* … Okay, please don’t do that in public.

 

“I can’t see out of my left eye.  Oh wait … it’s closed.” … Okay, that one was me, but I was REALLY tired.

 

Where does your Nana live?  “With my papa.” Hmmm.  I guess she’s right.

 

Upon seeing a billboard with a girl in her underwear, “If that girl was real, she’d be cold.” Yes. Yes, she would.

 

After a knock at the door, Kay walks over to the door, “Papa?” I guess Papa will have to come visit.

 

“My food winner is tuna helper”.  I guess she likes it.

 

After telling Matthew how softly and sweetly Kay said “kiss” and gave me a kiss, I proceed to try it again to show him.  “Kiss Kay??” …. She says, “P OFF!” I’m pretty sure she’s never heard  those words, but sure sounded like that!

 

“Can I have a treat bagel?” … ummm.  In Canada, we call those doughnuts.

 

“At sparks, we can do anything we want … except scream” … Hmmm, I wonder if she got in trouble for screaming?

 

“I can’t understand what that person is saying.  They must be autistic.”  No!  They just speak a different language!

 

“My brain wants to obey my mom and dad, but my body doesn’t.  It’s so hard.” … I can totally understand.

 

“Why was I born in a volcano?” No honey … that’s an ultrasound picture.

 

 

Christmas through the years ...

 

Please travel with me as I walk down Christmas lane ...

 

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Newly engaged ... mere babies

 

 

 

Newlyweds ...

 

 

 

 

Our first Christmas as a family of three

Yep, that's baby JJ inside my tummy.  We just told everyone.

 

 

 

 

And 1 year later .... here she is.  All Dickey

 



 

 

 

And then we did it again. Baby Kay in the belly ... not our best picture ... I remember loving the meds I got just before Christmas ... I was so pukey.

 

 

 

And there she is ... so worth the nausea ... ohh, look at those little cheeks and pants pulled up to her pits.

 

 

And then I didn't get pregnant ... phew.

 

 

 

Cutest babies in the world ... maybe not babies anymore

 

 

Getting big ... but daddy can still hold them

 

 

To date ...

 

 

And a few favorites along the way ...

 

My little Christmas baby

 

Nice tongue

 

You are the worst parents ever!

 

Our little Christmas Winston Churchhill

 

I can't guide the sleigh .. my eyes are closed

I don't care if it's Christmas ... I am not waking up

Happy baby

Santa ate the cookies ... what does this mean?

Christmas Cherub

 



Authority Privilege

Someone gave me a copy of White Privilege by Peggy McIntosh and it really got me thinking.  It’s about the unspoken privileges that white people take for granted.  Now, it is a bit outdated and the demographic is different, but it made me think alot.  Perhaps not the intent of the paper, but this is where it lead me.  I shall call it … hmmm.  Authority Privilege?

Yes.  I have heard many times that it is a white, male dominated world.  The signs around me tell me that it’s probably true, but definitely changing.  Traditionally, when you hear “doctor” you think white male.  When you hear “nurse”, you think white female. However, being a female, I can’t say I’ve felt oppressed by males and my pasty, British skin is a far cry from “black”.  For this reason, I can’t say that I can understand a coloured person’s experience on any level.  Perhaps this is ignorant or how I’ve been conditioned to think as a privileged, white person.  I have very few people of colour in my immediate life and it’s not something I really think about … but that does not mean on any level that the problem does not exist.    For me, it’s not an issue.  That’s my point and I think the point of this paper.  If it’s not an issue for me, then I am guilty of being ignorant to a very prevalent problem.  The concern for me is that one man’s situation is not the same as another’s.  I have seen this many times with the people around me.  What is burdened on someone’s heart is not necessarily burdened on another’s.  There are so many legitimate “causes” to be an advocate for that one has to pick what leans on their heart and do their best to be supportive in another man’s cause.   

I understand all too well what she is saying in this paper, but I must say right off that it is no more my friend’s fault for being born without a disability than it is my fault for being born white.  One does not naturally understand something that has not been their own experience.  For this reason, it is so important to educate each other because I can guarantee that every person who has read this article has experienced suppression on some level … intended or not.   This article taught me about a coloured person’s experience and for that I am grateful and hope to be more sensitive in the future.

Let’s be honest here.   When we meet someone for the first time, our brains are in overload.  There is a lot of subconscious judgement that takes place.  I believe dominance is established within 5 minutes of meeting someone.  I once met a lady who was so threatened by me.  She was studying to be a social worker and because I already had a degree and was working on my masters, she pushed and pushed me into a corner until I admitted to her that her degree would get her farther.  Dominance.   I guess she needed to feel that between us.  I thought it was silly.  I understand now how it feels to be in minority and to feel these unspoken social hierarchies.  I don’t for one minute think that anyone looks at someone in a wheel chair and says or even believes that they are better.  No.  That would be socially unacceptable.  But it’s there.   I did an experiment a few months ago and asked people to be real about the following question, “what do you think when you see someone with a disability or someone who looks different?”  I so appreciated the honesty.  The answers varied from, “I feel more comfortable about my own flaws” to “I’m just glad it’s not me”.  I don’t feel “judged” by people for having a disability and I certainly don't judge others with a disabilty, but I do feel the hierarchy.  When I sit down to talk with someone stronger than me, more educated than me, prettier than me or more outgoing than me, I automatically take the lower position on the totem pole.  And you know what makes it worse?  Someone who officiously tries to help.  Yes, it’s kind and often necessary, but it no less makes the gap of dominance bigger.  You are undoubtedly the winner.  I can’t top that.  Sure, I can try by impressing you with my strength of character, but in my mind, you win.  This thinking is probably wrong, but digress with me.  You have a doctor and a patient.  A doctor is a servant to the people around them, but it is definitely a dominant role.  Even nurses respect the authority of the doctor.  This is just the hierarchy of life.  I see it within the medical field all the time … from the specialists down to the receptionists.  When someone is helping me dress or meeting a need, I can assume that I will be treated with respect, but the person of authority and the person of vulnerability have been assigned very clear roles.

My experience lies in the area of physical disability.  Someone else’s experience might have more severity or lie in a completely different area.  Like someone of colour living in a white man’s world, there are conditions that someone with a disability or illness cannot count on living in an able bodied world.  Again, I point out that I do not blame any able bodied person, but these are things that I have seen my friends, family, acquaintances and strangers take for granted.  Of course, none of these things are a reason for anyone in a minority to have an unfulfilled life.

Being able to get out of a booth or chair at a restaurant

Having a washroom available that they can use

Purchasing items on the bottom shelf at a grocery store         

Wearing shoes properly

Not being starred at … unless their skirt is tucked into their underwear.

Generally assuming that a compliment is merited and not awarded because the standard is lower.

Falling calls for a normal response instead of looks that suggest a poem be written about the tragedy that is their life.

Being able to try clothes on in a change room

The positive feelings of self worth that come from physically helping others.

Choosing  a career based on desire, education and skills.

Choosing recreation based on desire and means.

 

What I need to express is that we should all be servants to each other.  Coloured, white, male, female, able-bodied, or not.  People in places of authority, may it be as a helping friend or a position in society; we all need to be aware of how the other person feels.   This role can change.  In some situations, I feel like the person who is dominant and I too have to be aware of what “rights” that brings to the relationship.  We all have something to bring to the table.  Each of us with our own unique experiences. My message is not so much to the “white” person.  My message is for anyone who has a position of authority whether or not they believe that they are in that position .. earned or unearned.  Parents, doctors, therapists, social workers, teachers, police, bosses, people with wealth, good friends or members of society.  When someone needs you on any level, they are allowing you into a place of vulnerability and there is an unspoken hierarchy.  What I believe to be a place of privilege.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  I think it’s something that should be protected.

Thank you to the people who have helped me and my family and who have always treated us with respect.